There's no other way to put it. Ever since I became proficient at it, it is all I can think about. You wouldn’t think that this would be a bad thing. With the many different costumes I wear, this has been a huge detriment. There are short stories to keep up on, updates to give on the games and site, and a rough draft I desperately need to start polishing. It took me four months to write the damn thing. It’s probably going to take eight months to polish it.
The thought of polishing my own work after the arduous task of writing it in the first place feels insulting.
“How dare you tell me to fix what took me months to write in the first fucking place!”
This lie and many more can be heard in my head when I think about starting the polish process. When I think about making pixel art, though, my brain lights up like a Christmas tree and I can lose myself for hours in it.
The problem with that is that I do not have hours to waste doing this. If I haven't made it clear, I wear a lot of hats in life. Perhaps I'm subconsciously afraid of letting go of my dopamine drip. Maybe I'm afraid of the polishing process in general. I mean, it is my first time. I don't know if it will hurt or be uncomfortable. What if I make a weird noise?
I know ADHD contributes a lot to my procrastination habits, but there is something else here. Something that is keeping me from jumping balls first into the process.
Actually, after writing this all out and failing to land a sex joke, I realize that the closer to finishing the book I get, the closer I get to letting everyone see my polished final product. I could also be making shit up so that my brain has something to latch on to. Either way I need to break the cycle.
Breaking the cycle for me involves coercion and bribery that my brain never falls for, then begging and pleading and finally giving up until my brain goes, “Okay, here is your dopamine, let's do it now.”
This time I will not be relying on the old process. I'm sick of it and I have shit to do. I'm not kidding. I have three game ideas, eight to ten book ideas, and two graphic novel ideas! And I can barely draw! It's stressful finding your passion in your forties. I am constantly wondering if I have enough time left.
I’m starting a new habit of at least looking at the file every night until I start to make progress.
I'm not going to let the old process win. I will start this new process that allows me to inch forward. Sometimes you have to scoot before you can crawl.
